11. Apply Operations On Coping Mechanisms

Make the assumption you are using the coping mechanisms I have highlighted: incident repetition compulsion, life style repetition compulsion. projection, introjection, and reaction formation. I have already separately discussed the repetition compulsions, so lets turn here to the last three.

a. Projection

Start with the most common: projection. Projection occurs when the person takes a thought, emotion, desire or impulse of his own and puts it into (projects it onto) someone else.

Every time you have a thought about someone else, stop for a moment and ask yourself why you are projecting that thought into that other person. The thought or opinion is actually yours and you are disowning it by projecting it to someone else. Why? What is it you are avoiding, or, alternatively, what is it you are trying to accomplish by the projection?

You notice a colleague at work and think: he looks tired. Your question: why am I tired today? The answer to that question is never: I'm not tired, I feel fine. The only acceptable answer is: I am tired today, now why? Start by searching for all possible reason why you would feel tired today. Come up with as many answers (or reasons) as you possibly can; and then start translating the word 'tired' into other words. Tired becomes bored, or becomes impatient, or becomes uninterested, or becomes annoyed, or become preoccupied, etc. You get the idea. The easy answer is the wrong answer; that principle follows directly from the concept of character and that character is pervasive. Your character will immediately supply the ego-syntonic answer; you want the ego-dystonic answers. That is where the gold lies. Pay attention to any body reactions as an additional guide to when you might have hit on a major answer.

b. Introjection

Introjection as I am using it here is the opposite of projection. In introjection we take something that we believe we see in another person and take it into ourself.

The thought: that was a strange look he gave me, I wonder what he saw? The answer: he did not give you a strange look, you were seeking something from that person and, not getting it, you introjected a negative thought about yourself. It is not he who gave you a strange look, it is you who gave yourself a strange look.

The thought: that meeting was a total waste of time. The answer: I am behind in my work and now I'll never catch up; I just wasted an hour in that (silly) meeting. I've got to figure out some way to budget my time better.

Footnote 106. Introjection also has a different meaning where it is one of the three stages of internalization.

The thought: all Barbara wants to do is gripe about her boy friend. The answer: what is it about my relationship with Tim that is so displeasing to me?; what am I missing?; what do I want that

I am not getting?

The general process: take any event, idea or conversation and treat it as part of you, not part of anyone else. Assume that any thought you have is really saying something about yourself.

c. Reaction formation

Recall that a reaction formation is to turn something into its opposite. The question I posed, to be answered here, is how do you discover what the opposite is?

For some ideas or feelings, it is pretty evident; at least at first glance. The opposite of strength is weakness, the opposite of assured or confident is insecure, the opposite of admire is disdain, the opposite of respect is disrespect. But, two things, one: those are the easy ones; and two: they are incomplete.

Most opposites are not that obvious. You've heard that the opposite of love is hate. It is not. The opposite of love is disinterest or indifference. The opposite of lonely is the contentment or security of not having to deal with anyone. The opposite of proud is unsure of the quality or value of your claimed accomplishment. The opposite of angry is hurt. Most opposites are not obvious.

So how do you find the opposite? You don't. You make as many guesses as you can, use as many even remotely possible words and explore each one in turn as though it were correct. If you can't get anywhere with a given possible opposite, you can always discard it and pick a new one; if you never give an opposite a chance to be explored, you are simply living out the ego-syntonic functions of your character and refusing to learn. So simply keep trying new words (new concepts, new opposites) and see where you can take each of them (after making the working assumption for exploration purposes that it is 100% correct).

d. Combinations

Now we get to the fun part of this exercise, the place where it really starts to pay off. Now we put these coping mechanisms together and make mud pies. There is no set order, there is only experiment and "lets see what happens if ... ."

I fully appreciate that this quickly gets confusing. But it reads worse than it lives. I'm going to go over combinations of coping mechanisms here; but you can't master all of this on initial application. My recommendation is to start with a single mechanism, let's say: projection, and just use that constantly — applicable or not, just apply it anyway — for a week or two. Then go to another single mechanism. Depending on how self-reflective or introspective you are and how observant you are, this may take you a month or it might take you six to nine months. It makes little difference; it's a long life and the job of living is living. If self-study aids the job of living, like any other learning, it is good. If it gets in the way of living, either just drop it or put if off till later.

Another note in the same vein is that life has to be lived moment to moment. You can't function well in life if you are constantly spending all your time second guessing why you did or did not do something; why you said or did not say something. If you just make it a mental habit to note things as they go by — just make it a habit to jot down mental notes — then there will be time later for reflection and analysis. As long as you are gathering the data, then the mental work of disassembling the data and looking for patterns and coping mechanisms can be done at your leisure. One note here, however, a memory of acts that are ego-dystonic is much easier to store than is an act that is ego-syntonic. Inexorably, our character blinds us to the important ego-syntonic data and yet that is the most important data.

Now to the combinations of coping mechanisms. I'll start with an easy (and common) mix: a reaction formation followed by a projection.

You are in a bad mood today. The reaction formation is that you are in a good mood. You project that onto a co-worker and say: "you look happy today."

You just received a notice from the IRS that you owe back taxes. You can barely pay your bills as it is and now you have this hanging over your head. You feel defeated. The reaction formation is that you can overcome any obstacle. You project that onto your child and say: "there is nothing that you can't accomplish."

You were just told about a promotion at work. You are proud and just a bit scared. The reaction formation is that you are sure you can handle the new job (opposite of the 'scared' part). You project that confidence and say to your best fiend at work: "boy, you're really knocking out the work, aren't you?"

Now lets try a reaction formation and an introjection.

You notice that your oldest girl is paying a lot more attention to her clothes. The thought is that she is primping for a possible boy friend. The reaction formation is that she is not interested in a boy, she is only starting to realize that appearance is important in the world. You introject that idea and say: "I really need some new clothes."

You notice a colleague at work looking at you. Your initial thought is that there is something wrong with your clothes. The reaction formation turns that into your colleague is looking at you because you look so good today. You introject that praise, and say: "I've been loosing weight recently."

I've give you two easy ones, just the use of two mechanisms. Now, for practice, let's go to three mechanisms. The combination is (1) projection, (2) reaction formation, and (3) introjection

You are concerned about your mounting bills. You project that concern into your husband (wife). You then do a reaction formation on the projection and the concern about bills becomes a confidence that the money situation is going to be fine. You then introject that confidence and say: "I wonder if we might replace that couch at some point."

Another example. You have just had a call from your mother and, true to form, you are angry (you always feel that after talking to her). You project your anger onto your mother. You then do a reaction formation and the anger becomes love. You then introject that love and think: it's nice that she calls so often, I really must learn to respond to her love with my love.

Footnote 107. This combination is actually fairly common. It is identical in result to the primitive mechanism listed in the table of coping mechanisms as projective identification.

So, coping mechanisms are, as it were, all over the place. But how do you learn to spot them and how do you go about analyzing them in action in yourself?

The first principle is something I have already mentioned.

You just assume that you are using them all the time and then work with several combinations of coping mechanisms to see what comes of it. That means: 1) you assume that they are present, (2) you assume that you are using any given one to four of them at any given time, (3) you treat the assumption as valid for the purpose of investigation, (4) you are not concerned (since you virtually can't know) whether you are right or not; it is the investigation that is important, not the conclusion.

The next principle is that oft-repeated statement that the job of living is living. No one can or should spend all his (her) time trying to analyze his (her) every action. That simply gets in the way of living. But, by a like token, not constantly doing the analysis does not yield the reaction formation of never doing it. On your mental file cards, write down just one or two or three exchanges per day and take some time away from the TV or the computer and chew over those file cards. The more you practice this, the more it will become a mode of thought such that you can catch yourself in the act of using them.

The third principle goes back to that body reaction. In general, and especially as you get deeper into the body work and get, as I promised at the beginning of this book, more emotionally sensitive you will have more body reactions to correct guesses (assumptions) and this work will get both easier and more productive.