How to Woo and be Wooed - The Difficulty a Man Finds in Proposing - The Persistent Lover - Marriages of Convenience, and Cases where there is a Marked Disparity of Position or of Age

"There are girls who are genuinely taken by surprise when they receive a proposal; other girls are often surprised because they do not. But, for the most part, there is some premonition of the event about to happen, and usually the girl knows whether she is prepared to accept it or reject it.

If she happen to be kind and right-minded she will try to prevent from coming to the point any man whom she has made up her mind to refuse. Should he persist, she makes this refusal as clear as possible. But there are men who will not take even the firmest and most decided " No " for an answer. These men are of two sorts: either the masterful, who mean to get what they want and with the smallest possible loss of time, or the inflatedly conceited, who cannot imagine any girl or woman wishing to refuse them.

A refusal should always be courteous. A man can offer no higher compliment, and for the woman to be disdainful and to snub him is in the worst of bad taste. But if the gentleman decline to accept a refusal, he certainly deserves a little severity. Otherwise, how is he to be convinced?

On the other hand, there are wooers so deeply in love, so mistrustful of their own merits (even when these are backed up by worldly advantages), so crushed by a refusal, that a good-hearted girl is in actual danger of accepting them out of pure good feeling. It sometimes happens that she does so, but such marriages do not often turn out very well.

It is not an easy thing to propose. Many and many a brave man has lacked courage for it. If he be really in love, he thinks himself unworthy of the object of his adoration, and he hesitates to offer her his hand and heart. "It's such cheek!" he thinks. Even when he has received sufficient encouragement from the lady to convince him that she reciprocates his attachment, he may find some difficulty in getting the important question spoken.

The Wooer's Dilemma

Sometimes he takes counsel with a friend. This is almost always an unwise thing to do. Should the friend be married he has probably forgotten his own faintheartedness when wishing to propose. Should he be unmarried, and not in love, he will be unable to see any difficulty whatever in the business. His advice, in either case, will scarcely be helpful, and may possibly be harmful.

It is also rather dangerous to inquire of the girl's mother or sister if there is any hope for his suit.- Should either of these ladies be averse to the match, she ma)' throw cold water upon his ardour and further quench his courage. As to the girls' fathers, they have a daunting, unsympathetic way of treating any confidence of the kind. Their own wooing, far in the past, they have forgotten, and they regard the matter as not only very easy, but absolutely commonplace. With advice they are sometimes very ready, but the brand is not always good.

There was a time when the father had to be approached before anything in the nature of a proposal of marriage could be made to the daughter. The ordeal was sometimes a severe one. Inquisition was made into ways and means, present income and future prospects, into character, both past and present. This took away some of the glamour with which the affair was suffused in the thoughts of the aspirant.

Marriages Of Convenience

In certain cases, such as marriages of convenience, or where there is a great disparity of age, the wooer almost always approaches the father or guardian of the lady, but not until he has received from her"some kind of assurance, possibly vague enough, that he may hope for her favour. A wealthy man of more than mature age is politic if he acquaint the parent with some particulars of his means and of the settlements he proposes to make upon his wife. Such a man may feel no confidence whatever in his personal attractions, and may wish to place in the most tempting light all that he has to offer. If he be of a diffident, self-depreciating disposition, there is something touching about this. But he may also be so sure of success as to recall the good old Scottish song:

" She's daft to refuse the Laird o' Cockpen."

In that case, a refusal would do him a world of good. But he is very often accepted, sometimes even " jumped at," to use the ordinary phrase. Still, the lady should veil her eagerness very carefully, otherwise her dignity suffers.

When courage to speak is utterly lacking, a proposal by letter is a good way out of the difficulty. Even though much note-paper and brainwork may be wasted on the document, at least it may be counted on to do the business; and, after several failures to manage it by speech, there is consolation in this reflection.

At the same time, it must be admitted that the better plan is to speak the momentous question. The querist is not often kept in suspense, as he must be when he has to wait for an answer to a letter. He can judge for himself, too, whether his proposal is welcome or otherwise, even if the decisive word be not immediately pronounced. A girl does not wish to appear too ready with her " Yes." She thinks that this may cheapen her in the eyes of the person whom she would like to value her more highly than anyone else in the world. But she probably knows how to give hope and yet leave the answer unpronounced.

If she is very much in love she will certainly say " Yes," and be very angry with herself afterwards for not having taken longer about it. Her self-respect suffers, and she loses something also, for she would have found it very pleasant to have been urgently persuaded into consent.

There are unscrupulous girls who purposely refrain from saying " No," even when they have no intention of accepting a man. They like to have him hanging about them. It pleases their vanity to show their power. Also, it may suit such a girl very well to have attentions that include theatre tickets, agreeable excursions, and other pleasant offerings, flowers, bonbons, and dances. But the girl of high principle and good feeling would never be selfish and dishonourable in such ways. She gives a decisive answer, and takes care that it shall be understood as such.

Proposing Twice

Is it bad manners to propose to the same girl twice ? Certainly not. Time may change her ideas. Many marriages have been comfortably arranged after more than one rejection. A man should not be too easily daunted. But he must not let perseverance develop into persecution. A word or two, at fairly long intervals, to the effect that his feelings and wishes are unchanged, although his hopes have hitherto been crushed, may do wonders for him. Women admire constancy, partly because it is rather scarce. They also appreciate devotion, and a girl sometimes learns to love a man because he loves her so well.

It is a question if the same applies to men. The distinguished author of "La Souris " makes a man fall suddenly and violently in love with a girl because he discovers that she is very much in love with him. Is this true to life ? One may be permitted to doubt it.

The Engagement Ring

In all classes of society it is expected that the gift of an engagement-ring shall • follow almost immediately upon the engagement. Sometimes the recipient is consulted as to her preference in the matter. This is the safer way, whether the ring be expensive or the reverse. It is a mistake for the wooer to be ready with an engagement-ring in his pocket when he goes to ask the great question. This would be showing an unpardonable assurance of the favourable character of the reply. Even if he feels quite certain of consent, he must not let her know it.

A girl should not definitely accept an offer of marriage. She should make the condition that her parents should consent, and that his family should be willing to receive her. There may be circumstances which render this unnecessary, but in cases of disparity of position it is a good rule to follow, especially when the girl is not the social equal of the man. If marriage with him should mean a quarrel between him and his family, she should be firm in refusing.

Things may work round in time, and his people may eventually be willing to receive her and forgive him; but even if this agreeable turn be not given to the circumstances, it will be for the girl's own happiness to refuse. Alienation from his family may blight his prospects in life, and he must be indeed a perfect lover if, after years of married life, he never blames her for marrying him and injuring his hopes of a career.