Chapter XXXIII (Shows There'S Nothing Like Patriotism To Humbug, Starve And Swindle The Masses With; And Nothing Like Statistics To Lie With) (Shows There'S Nothing Like Patriotism To Humbug, Starve And Swindle The Masses With; And Nothing Like Statistics To Lie With). Shows There's Nothing Like Patriotism To Humbug, Starve And Swindle The Masses With; And Nothing Like Statistics To Lie With. - The Great Gee Whizz Appears, Seeking Sous One To Sell, Its Services To. - The Bamboozlers Hire It.

IT WAS many days before the force of the Great Bamboozle spent itself. Though the scramble and scratching for bones was even fiercer than ever; and though the infernal grind at the Handle of the Blood Mill grew daily more hellish, and the cruel greed of the bloated Monstrous Fleas grew daily more adamantine and pitiless; though robbery, murder, death by starvation and suicide grew daily more common, the dogs had been so thoroughly hypnotized that they perversely sought everywhere for a cause for all these things save in the right place.

They had graduated so well in the course of patriotism they had recently been put through that in their midnight meetings together, to bark and talk over their distressful condition, they put up a fac-simile of the great Flag of Catrisville and ordered that every meeting be opened by genuflexion to the Flag of Freedom and Prosperity, and closed by prostration to the Flag of Liberty and Plethoric Stomach ; and further ordered that all speeches, arguments and discussions should proceed upon certain indubitable and undiscussible premises called Sacred Truths. They were:

(1.) This is a Free Country.

(2.) Our Flag is the Flag of Liberty.

(3.) All Good is indigenous to Canisville.

(4.) All Evil comes from Abroad.

And they ordained that all doubt of these Sacred Truths was mortal sin that could never be atoned for, neither in this world nor in that Which is to come; and that any dog who in any speech, argument or discussion should step off these premises, and by assertion, hint or insinuation, or even careless construction of his sentences, should convey or cause to be conveyed, the understanding or impression, in any degree, however faint, that this country was not or might not be a Free Country; that this Flag was not or might not be the Flag of Liberty; that all Good was not or might not be indigenous; and that all Evil did not or possibly might not come from Abroad, should be instantly killed or fearfully mutilated. And they furthermore proclaimed that they desired it to be known to all the world that the dogs and fleas of Canisville and their Common Flag were so unutterably sacred and superior to the rest of the world that any insult or ridicule to either would be regarded as a casus belli.

But in time the gnawings of their never ending hunger began to perplex them sorely. How it was that God had, according to the words of his prophets Grandadhat, Mak Tinley, Dephool Flea, De Little Wit Blatherskite and the rest, given them the greater blessing of a Country and a Flag, and had withholden from them the lesser one of Victuals, bothered them very much. Of course they were ready at a moment's notice, when called on, to die for their Country and Flag when either was in danger, but why they were dying every day without any notice, without being called on, and when neither Country nor Flag was in danger, caused them to scratch their heads. And as for that Average of one thousand mouthfuls of good Victuals per dog that Mak Tinley's Statistics incontrovertibly gave them, they couldn't make it out at all; for to make the Average out they had to make the Victuals in, and that they could not do for the life of them.

This was how they would discuss the question. One hungry dog. would meet another on the street and thus would they say :

First Dog, "Good morning, brother."

Second Dog. "It is not a good morning."

First Dog, "Whyfore, brother? Art thou not«in health? "

Second Dog, "No dog in Canisville is in health. Art thou?"

First Dog, "Verily, no. I'm hungry."

Second Dog. "That's strange. So am I; and yet, the great prophet Mak Tiuley, on Bamboozle Day, showed us incontrovertibly that Statistics give every dog of us an Average of one thousand mouthfuls of Good Victuals."

First Dog. "He did, and we all know that he is the most truthful of the Only Original Truth Speakers; and yet I speak the truth, too, when I state that my Average is about one mouthful per every thousand days."

Second Dog. "That's about my Average, too. I have examined myself; I have felt of my stomach, and I cannot find those one thousand mouthfuls of mine. Lord. I wish I could, I do indeed."

First Dog. "Well, brother, it may be there is some fault or sin in us that prevents the Blessed Statistics from giving us the blessing. It may be that there is some wicked way within us; some secret sin that hinders the entrance of the Average into our stomachs. As the blessed Blatherskite saith: 'These things are received by Faith, not by Sight.' "

Second Dog. "That's so, brother; it is certainly not by Sight in our case. I do believe we have not Faith enough."

And so they would part, one praying to God to give him a larger Faith, and the other praying Him to never mind the Faith but to give him a larger Average.

So the demon, Doubt, again began to creep abroad in Cauis-ville.

Therefore the Bamboozling Committee, carefully noting the perplexed headshakings and the other sure signs of another outbreak of the thinking contagion, did wisely take other precautions to forestall it.

And there was a day when they and some of the Monstrous Fleas were devising further bamboozlements for the dogs, and a Phenomenon came also among them.

And the Committee said unto the Phenomenon: "Who art thou, and whence comest thou? "

Then answered the Phenomenon, and said: "I am the Great Many Headed Daily Press with the Immense Circulation; I am four hundred square miles of nastiness; and I come from going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it"

And the Committee said: " And what doest thou here, Great Daily Press?"