Chapter XXIV (The Thinking Contagion Makes Alarming Progress) (The Thinking Contagion Makes Alarming Progress). The Thinking Contagion Makes Alarming Progress. - Conference Of Frightened Fleas. - Sage Counsel. - Efficacious Measures Devised. - How They Worked. - The Sacred Trusts. - The Holy Angel's Book Of Death. - The Plague Stayed.

AND it was told the fleas that a dog had arisen, that had said: " Fleas, ye fools, fleas," and had drawn several other dogs after him, whom he had taught to say likewise.

And the eminent fleas, and the big fleas, and the Monstrous Fleas, gathered themselves together, and sent a quick flea unto certain wise fleas saying, "Haste ye, and come quickly to our aid, for the dread pestilence hath broken out; tarry not in all the way, for the matter is urgent."

And the wise fleas came on the hop and the skip and the jump, and said: "We told you so; we did advise you not to despise the day of small symptoms; but ye heeded not our advice. Therein ye did err; for it is well known that we know a thing or two. We did advise you that that intent gazing of the dogs did betoken the outbreak of an epidemic of thinking amongst them, which, had it been grappled with then, would Jiave been easy to stamp out; but now we fear the disease has made dangerous progress. This thinking of theirs has reached the stage of audible expression, which is the stage of most rapid contagion and infection."

"True, true," said a Monstrous Flea - Andronicus Carnivorous - pale with affright; "We are credibly, informed that some of these dogs have even lifted up their voices in the public places, and boldly told the other dogs that if they had no fleas they need never be hungry; to which some of the listening dogs, it is reported, replied, 'Down with the fleas.' And we have been informed - but for the truth of it we cannot vouch - that quite a number of those suffering from this truly terrible thinking disease, have formed what they call the 'Flealess Dog Club,' which slyly meets at midnight, and dances with delirious joy over the prophesied coming of a most dreadful time when all dogs will be free from all fleas of every sort and size."

And all the assembled fleas cried out in chorus, "Alas, what shall we do?"

But the wise fleas said, "Courage, brethren; all is not lost; there is a margin of safety left, which, if utilized properly, will, with God's blessing, restore these poor dogs to their usual state of insanity, and avert the danger of our extinction. Ye ought, of course, to have grappled with this malady in its incipiency; nevertheless, with an extra effort, lost time may be made up, and the disease stamped out. A Board of Public Safety must be formed at once."

"Had we not better pass a law," said a Monstrous Flea - Pharaoh Phrique - "making it a capital offence for a dog to think, and have all the guilty ones executed with great tortures? There's nothing like striking terror into the hearts of the dogs, if you want to keep them good and healthy."

"Aye! Aye! chorused all the others fiercely, "that's the talk."

"Pardon me, Brother Phrique," replied a wise flea, "for dissenting from so eminent a dog killer as thyself; but all wise fleas have found that the only true and efficacious way is, not to kill the thinkers, but to discourage the breed; to let the thinkers die off naturally, and replace them with a breed of non-thinkers. To this end their brains must be watched, and where-ever possible no thought must ever be allowed to enter and in those cases where we cannot prevent its entrance, we must give them amusements, distractions and other substitutes for thinking. We must use artifice, not force; we must lure, not compel; for force and compulsion would defeat our aim by causing them, through the grievance they would thereby have against us, to begin thinking most grievously; whereas, by fooling them into going, of their own accord, in the way we want them to go, we would accomplish our object, and at the same time leave them to feel that they are free and independent dogs - which is to be done every time."

"Therefore we do advise that the Board of Public Safety devise all manner of anti-thinking devices, and put them in operation at once, for there is no time to lose. History shows that wherever the empire of fleas over dogs has been overthrown, it has always been due to the neglect of the fleas, of those times, to keep up to due efficiency the anti-thinking devices of those times. Remember, we beseech you, that eternal vigilance in keeping the dogs' from thinking, is the price of your rule over them.

"Now, the most efficacious anti-thinking remedy, is hard work, and eternal plenty of it. Give the dogs plenty to do. Make the pace fast and furious, and cause them to hustle to stay their hunger, and take all means to make their hunger get ahead of their hustling; cause them to have to scratch from early morn to midnight, so that the moment they've done work for the night, they will fall asleep from fatigue, and never wake until it is high time to be at their scratching again. Make leisure impossible, and idleness synonymous with starvation, and we give you our word of guarantee, that the dogs will soon be on the way to recovery.

"But, as interminable work alone, although a most excellent - and the main - remedy for thinking, would in the end sour their minds and enfeeble their bodies, and so reduce their yield of blood - thus defeating the main purpose for which a wise Creator created them, and predisposing them to crime and wickedness - a certain amount of recreation must be allowed them. In this need of recreation lies their only danger. They must not be allowed much recreation; for much would give them time to think - which must be especially guarded against. They must have so little recreation that their exhaustion shall incline them only to amusements.

"But, in the reaction from the exhaustion of toil, they will be apt to seek mad, unhealthy, delirious and body-weakening amusements. Therefore, it behooveth you to provide that their amusements be both recuperative and anti-thinking. Lo! We have spoken."