Chapter IX (How The Will Of The Dogs Expresser Worked) (How The Will Of The Dogs Expresser Worked). How The Will Of The Dogs Expresser Worked. - The Solemn Mummery Committee. - How It Inquired Very Extensively Into The Condition Of The Dogs. - Quarrel Between The High Pressure Nlghuntos And Low Pressure Faraways. -Wonderful Double Back Action Of The Llttlb Box With The Little Slot In It.

WHEN did the dogs set up the little box with the little slot in it; and upon a day appointed they vent every one and dropped into it little -papers, upon some of which was written that the fleas must inquire into the hard condition of the dogs, with a view to ameliorating it; and on some it was written that the fleas need not inquire into their condition, with a view, etc., for there were some dogs that were afraid to have a Will, lest it should be known that they had expressed it and should be discharged from the Handle.

So when all the papers had been dropped through the slot and the box was full, the trap in the bottom thereof was pulled and the load of papers went down in a thundering avalanche by the shute into the midst of the fleas. And the fleas sorted them and counted them, and one arose and said, "Oyez ! Oyez ! the Will of the Dogs Expresser hath spoken and there is a Great Majority; and the Great Majority commandeth that we, as their Public Servants, do forthwith inquire into the hard condition of the dogs at the Handle, with a view to ameliorating it. We must therefore bow to the Mandate, and look into their condition, with a view, etc."

Thereupon the fleas did immediately appoint a Solemn Mummery Committee to take with them telescopes and microscopes, spectacles and eye-glasses to go and look into the condition of the dogs, with a view, etc. And when the dogs saw them coming they barked propitiatingly - and wagged their tails delightedly to see the fleas come at the Mandate of the Expresser, and they prophesied great good things of comfort to come of it,

And the fleas did look into their condition. Some stood afar off and viewed the grinding dogs through their telescopes, and made notes of what they saw; and some, with their microscopes got quite near and closely examined their prominent ribs and sore backs and blood-shot eyes and their generally measly appearance, and made voluminous notes; while the rest made general surveys through their spectacles and eye-glasses, and made notes.

Thus did the Committee gather a huge Mass of Statistics which they promised the dogs they would Publish, which promise made the dogs to dance for joy.

And after many days the fleas rolled up what they called a Volume, bulky with Facts and Figures, and fat with Platitudes and Suggestions concerning the amelioration of the grievous condition of the Handle Turning Dogs, which the Volume called the Great Question of the Day.

And the fleas sent up a bill to the dogs which recited that this great Volume, gotten up for their benefit, had cost the fleas an enormous amount of time and labor which must be recouped unto them by the dogs, and that it would require the dogs to grind an hour a day more for one year.

So the dogs did grind and sigh an hour a day more, but had great faith in the Will Expresser which Moved in a mysterious way, Its wonders to perform."

In process of time there came about a grave quarrel among the fleas around the Tank, and they began to call each other names. The quarrel began by those farthest away from the Spout getting jealous of those that sat nearest thereto, for they said those that sat nigh unto got a better chance to help themselves to the blood, and consequently got fatter than those that sat far away, which those sitting nearest declared to be all nonsense and a libel on their honors. Nevertheless, it so happened that they did get fatter and bigger than those that sat farther away; and though they disclaimed violently that their extra fatness was due to their proximity to the Spout they did not volunteer to change places with the farther off ones. Therefore the Faraways - who were nearly all Low Pressurists - began to push and shove to get up near to the Spout, and the Nighuntos - who were mostly High Pressurists - did push and shove to maintain their places, not, said they, because they wanted to sit nigh unto the Spout, but as a matter of Principle, because they were the lineal descendants of a Grand Old Party of High Pressure Suckers that had once, a many years before, rushed to the rescue and salvation of the Spout, when a lot of Low Pressure Suckers, the lineal ancestors of the present pesky Low Pressurists, had made a dastardly and traitorous attempt to break it off and cripple the Mill.

And there was a mighty shoving; and the Nighuntos indignantly said unto the Faraways, "Whom are ye a shoving of?" And much bad temper was shown, and upon several occasions divers of them got hurt

Then did some of the acute Faraways hit upon a way of strengthening themselves to shove the Nighuntos away from the Spout and get there themselves. Said they, "Why not get the dogs to help us to shove?" So they sent secretly for the inventor of the Will of the Dogs Expresser and said unto him, "Lo! We be Dog Admirers, and believe that your hard condition should be ameliorated. It is quite plain to any thinking mind that your long days of grinding at the Handle and your bloodless condition are due to those cruelly greedy Nighuntos that sit close up to the Spout. They are never satisfied; The Tank does not require half the blood that flows into it. All the rest, these suckers deliberately appropriate for their own private fattening.

"Now if we sat near the Spout we would reduce the flow of blood to the requirements of the Tank "economically administered" and would cause all that now unnecessarily flows into it to be given to the dogs at the Handle, to whom it rightfully belongs. Thus will the number of your hours' of toil be reduced. Promise us therefore that the next time ye use your great and ever blessed Expresser, ye will send a thundering avalanche of papers down the shute ordering the Nighuntos to get away from the Spout, and us Faraways to take their places. So shall your hard condition be ameliorated indeed."